Wednesday, August 24, 2011

2 Scooter or Not 2 Scooter

Scooter gangs are becoming an
ever increasing problem
Phenomenal MPG, amazingly maneuverable, and easy to park, these are but a few of the advantages of driving a scooter. Anyone can see why the UGA Athletic Association and the student athletes alike continue to choose these machines as their preferred mode of intracampus transportation. Even Lloyd Christmas understood the merits of the scooter. Short on resources and low on cash, he acquired a moped and triumphantly rode into Aspen. However, scooters do have certain disadvantages. One, well your entire body from the neck down is exposed and unprotected. Two, cars are bigger, faster, and numerous. Three, no air bags, crumple zones, or seat belts. Put it this way, throw one squirrel in the path of a scooter and sparks will fly. I’m sure you are all familiar with our incidents involving scooters, but just as a refresher here is a rundown of recent history.

Ray Drew: accident resulting in separated shoulder
Derrick Lott: accident resulting in severe laceration to the leg
Chance Veazey: accident resulting in paralysis
Chase Vasser: accident resulting in concussion, separated shoulder
Marcus Dowtin: accident with minor injuries resulting in missed time
Vance Cuff: arrested for driving scooter on suspended license, ignorance of the law is not excuse
Alec Ogletree: arrested for stealing a scooter helmet, hey this still relates

Martin Van Dawgin: accident resulting in comical laceration to the knee and hurt pride

The list goes on and on. According to UGA records more than 140 student athletes currently use a scooter; that’s 1 in 4, including an estimated 40 football players. I’m not saying scooters should be replaced, but this system should be given another once over by the administration. Do the pros outweigh the cons? And if not scooters, then what? If the Athletic Department ultimately moves away from scooters, I for one, vote for a pneumatic tubing system. I’ve never heard of an accident involving the Jetsons. Any suggestions?


  1. My preference would be the segway for the following reasons:

    1. I'm sure they are electric so you don't have to spend money on gasoline.
    2. You can ride them on a sidewalk (or at least the police do); therefore, keeping them off the road.
    3. They could be parked in the bike rack on the sidewalk which would eliminate minor traffic violations such as parking tickets.
    4. You don't need a license plate; again, eliminating minor traffic violations.
    5. Did you see 'Mall Cop'?

  2. "Mall Cop" caused my eyes to hemorrhage. My only concern about Segways would be the fact that the owner of the company himself ran of a cliff and died while riding one. Hmmm...

  3. Are you gentlemen referring to the Chinese-made F'ing Scooter characterized by Cojones? He recently wrote a short history of the F'ing Chinese Dynasty. Surprised you weren't up to date concerning the F'ing Scooters.