Thursday, January 27, 2011

Iowa Hospitalizes 12 Players: Ferentz Hides the Juice, House Says He's Lying and Probably Has Cancer

Rhabdomyolysis is a condition of the musculoskeletal system that is caused by the rapid breakdown of skeletal muscle. This breakdown causes proteins to be released into the blood and can cause severe renal damage which can even lead to renal failure if not treated. The main cause of this can be excessive exercise... with copious amounts human growth hormone mixed in. Adam Rittenberg at ESPN has a nice writeup on the incident if you'd like to peruse it.

If I were House, the first thing I'd look to is drug use. His thought pattern would go something like this:

"According to my huge "white board-o-knowledge" it has to be drugs because... well... everyone lies. Everyone lies because they all take drugs like me because I have giant character flaws and have a hard time dealing with the fact that I am actually part of humanity. The only readily available drug from "Mr. Trendy NFL Head Coaching Candidate Who Can't Win a Big Game EVER" has to be HGH and HGH causes muscle stress which could lead to the high protein levels in the patients urine. High protein levels cause cancer and so do candy canes and watching Tim Burton movies, therefore these guys have Rhabdomyolysis and an extremely mild and rare form of eyelash cancer. The eyelash cancer can cause severe dry eyes and redness if not properly treated with baby powder. That's obviously why they couldn't beat Minnesota or Northwestern, the doormats of the Big-10. Couldn't see them. Otherwise they should just stop using the growth hormone."

This is seriously weird, despite my obvious undertones of dripping juice. How is it possible that 12 guys would be admitted to the hospital for overexertion at the same time? There's no way that the only common thread here is "working out hard". Nope... no way.

1 comment:

  1. I have heard about this disease many times ago such that this disease caused rapid breakdown of the skeletol muscle and hence that further helps in more breakdown.