Tuesday, October 26, 2010

T^4: First Annual College Football Costume Contest
This is the special week of the year that women can dress up like prostitutes without fear of repercussions and men can play off doing nothing by simply saying, "I'm practicing my zombie routine for the Halloween party." It's truly a very momentous day of the year, complete copious amounts of sugar-laden treats, scantily clad women in nursing or witch outfits, and rolls and rolls of toilet paper in your yard.

There are few times where people can act this irresponsible, conceal their identity, and get away with all of it. It's almost more American than the Fourth of July***. In honor of Halloween, I thought it would be interesting to see what college football personalities would be dressing up like.

I give you the First Annual College Football Costume Contest

Dan Hawkins' Chestbuster

Just ask Sigourney Weaver how she felt after having one of these jokers implanted in her chest. Dan looks like a friendly, likable, DIVISION-1 FOOTBALL coach but is a dead man walking. Sooner or later that Chestbuster is searching for air and his sternum is history. Just be careful, when he starts spitting up blood it won't be long.

The Mike Sherman

Just like weiner dogs, Mike Sherman's cuteness is only a product of the "dress up". Do you seriously think any legitimate college would consider him if not for the NFL resume? Nope. Are Dachshunds really practical at all? No way, but all dressed up they sure are cute. Just like his offense, it's all gussied up but looks too much like a delicious, flavorful morsel of exploitation to opposing defenders.

The Chris Rainey
Party In My Pants Costume

Rainey loves the ladies, just like the wearers of this costume. If you know anything about women, this is will most certainly NOT get you anywhere with any of them. It's yet another in the long line of horrible below-the-belt costume designs. If you really want to maximize this costume's douchery, make sure and tell the lady you're hitting on, "Time to die, B$tCH!" Get's em every time.

The Ed Orgeron

I could probably understand a real gorilla better than Da Coach-O. You can't help but like the guy, though. If you want to get some laughs, go to the grocery store suited up in this on Halloween. It works anywhere there are people to see you. In fact, it's funny year-round, just like The O. Go to a neighborhood swimming pool in the summer with a speedo on and see just how great this one can be. Just don't attend any high school parties, as there will likely be multiple recruiting violations.

The Boob Les Miles 

The resemblance here is irrefutable. Could the large mammary call plays like The Hat? Most certainly.

And Finally, The "Houston"

If you want to be the scariest MOFO at the party look like this guy. And hey, Florida, he's coming to a city near YOU!!! It's gonna be SACK-tastic!

***I place special emphasis on ALMOST as American as the Fourth of July. It's our Independence Day, and you don't get the fireworks, so Halloween is a little less noteworthy.

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