Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Day In The Life of Under Armour 1/4-Zip Pullover Style #1206700, Or Gene Chizik's Pullover

In honor of Gene Chizik's swagger and awesome fully-zipped-at-all-times duds, it was only a matter of when that we would actually take a look at what his days look like.

3:46 A.M.: I'm staring directly at a picture of Charles Barkley. All I can hear Genie saying is, "I'll show you TUUURRRRRIBLE. Turner Gill is a p*ssy."

5:03:30 A.M.: Yet another morning calls. Can we please quit with the Tubes. "She's A Beauty" is only good when I'm next to Jenn Brown's cashmere scarf. I should friend her on Facebook.

5:04 A.M.: Sweet baby Jesus that steamer is hot. You'd think Genie would mind it, but apparently his skin is made of teflon.

5:06 A.M: I really hate that Old Spice body wash. It smells like a Jersey nightclub

5:07 A.M.: Made friends with a new pair of Genie's Under Armour sweatbands. Seems like a really "heady" guy.

6:03 A.M.: Just finished our morning run to Tuscaloosa so Gene can urinate on the base of Nick's statue. I really don't understand this.

6:07 A.M.: If it weren't for Tide pens I'd look like a hog's hind end sewn up with a log chain. I can't figure why Gene eats Chipotle for breakfast every morning.

6:07:15 A.M.: Chipotle takes effect. Water closet for half an hour.

6:39 A.M.: Water closet again.

6:47 A.M.: Water closet visit number three. Is Chipotle really worth this?

7:13 A.M.: Morning prank call to Tommy Tuberville. "Hey Tommy. This is Bobby Lowder. You wanna go with me and Billy Jr. up to Louisville? This time it's just for some pony racing."

7:32 A.M.: Daily dry cleaning with Aubie and his jersey. I find it odd that Aubie can withstand such high temperatures. I mean, he is a tiger. Anyway, those Asians always try to put me with Gus Malzahn's visor. If I've ever met a whack job, it's that visor. He endlessly rambles about how he's wrapped around one of the most innovative minds in the college football. Obviously he hasn't met Mike Bobo's Nike Dry-Fit lid.

8:40 A.M.: Thank goodness for 1-hour cleaners. Little Malzahn was about to drive me crazy with his talk about Mitch Mustain being one of the greatest high school quarterbacks in history. That's why he plays so much at USC, I guess.

8:42 A.M.: We're on the way to Cam's crib for the daily meeting. GC has one song on his iPod- "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus blares constantly in the decommissioned white Escalade limo.

9:01 A.M.: Cam says he had no intention of keeping the computer that he borrowed from a classmate last week and promptly throws it out the window. I don't know how this kid pays for those Gucci shades, but they're pretty nice. A bit snobbish however.

9:12 A.M.: Surely the Earth's poles shifted. My zipper slide down three notches. Genie wasn't thrilled and called Under Armour to report what he termed "defective equipment". I'll show him defective.

10:32 A.M.: Arrive at the office for 136 phone calls to recruits. A pretty slow morning in Chizikland.

10:33 A.M.: Trooper Taylor struts in the office. I often wonder if he would wear me like his hat. That hat is a really nice guy, but he never gets the chance to put his best face forward.

11:10 A.M.: Chipotle. Back to the water closet. I can only say I feel sorry for the Superman boxer-briefs Genie is sporting today. Very, very sorry.

12:17 P.M.: Lunch with Jay Jacobs. He's wearing a really sweet tie today. It kind of looks like he ate a pumpkin and vomited all over it. GC and JJ keep talking about how Sir Charles is a traitor. I keep hearing "Hey Ernie, Ernie, I'm a big clown. Ernie, Ernie..."

1:20 P.M.: It's 103 degrees out here and Gene refuses to think about unzipping me. It's almost like his Adam's Apple is magnetized.

2:06 P.M.: Michael Dyer runs by in street clothes. I make fun of his pants and all 22 inches of their inseam. Do they have a store called Oompa Loompas, Michael Dyer, and Carlton Thomas? HA!

3:37 P.M.: In order to get jazzed up for practice Genie listens to this. I'm all for meeting new clothing but is this some sort of cruel joke?

4:45 P.M.: Appearance on "College Football Live". I'm an item of clothing and I realize Mark May is a joke, and not a high-thread count item either, mind you. He seriously asked us if we knew what Louisiana-Monroe's mascot was. Ace and I go way back- to China, in fact.

6:05 P.M.: post-practice interview. When asked by a reporter if Cam Newton would win the Heisman this year Genie responded, "Well, can I eat nails? Yes, with a little hot sauce." Another reporter asked if he was in fact "a leader, not a loser". "Are you talking about Turner Gill? Yeah, he's a loser, who likes little boys."

7:11 P.M.: "I'm a leader, not a loser. I'm a leader, not a loser. I'm a leader, not a loser." Echoes as I stare at the numbers 5 and 19 with a dash between them on GC's office wall.

7:26 P.M.: Just finished the nightly jog to Bryant-Denny for more time with Nicky's statue.

7:28 P.M.: Dinner with Gus and Kristi. Kristi says she and Cam are really forming a great rapport. They've been texting and @replying to one another all day about how funny it is that Josh Bynes and Nick Fairley are thinking about being Vinny and Pauly D for Halloween. Hmmm, sounds a little fishy to me. Gus says its cool because Kristi and Cam can identify with each other because they both love Apple products so much. Especially laptops.

8:03 P.M.: Special meeting with Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown about traveling back to Ames, Iowa on November 27, 2006 and arranging for his past self to direct ISU AD Jamie Pollard into a manure truck instead of signing a "crap" contract. I wasn't aware this was 1985 and DeLorean's with Mr. Fusion's and flux capacitors were around. Being a garment does have it's drawbacks, I guess.

8:09 P.M.: By the way, did you know Delorean's have doors that swing up? Oh, and you should have seen the look on Pollard's face. "I HATE manure!" Classic.

8:08 P.M.: Wait, haven't I been here before?

8:38 P.M.: Evening prank call to Tubs. "Hey Tommy, this is Bobby again. You looked really, really good in that "Blind Side" movie. Shoot, you should think about actin'. Wait, aren't you coaching some high school team now?"

10:11 P.M.: Gene's before bed talk to Lee Ziemba. "Now Lee, you make sure and block real well for Cam this weekend. He's gonna win the Heisman this year. Don't try and do anything silly like go out for a pass this time. Gus is pretty innovative but you're not exactly Darvin Adams"

10:13 P.M.: Time for GC to go and feed the T-Rex out by Jordan-Hare. Apparently, it was one of the perks he had put into his contract. Along with the actual living Tyrannosaurus Rex, Bobby Lowder was to hire Jeff Goldblum to do "Must go faster, must go faster." on command while hanging out of the back of Gene's Jeep. I always like seeing T.R.R. Tolkien chomping down on hapless goats. GC is a huge "Lord of the Rings" fan, which is where T- Rockin' Rex Tolkien gets his name.

10:47 P.M.: Have to get in Zumba every night before bed. Merengue is his favorite section. We just skip the rest. I could really care less about this part of my day except for pants that teacher has on. Wow. You don't get much better than lycra.

11:12 P.M.: Staring at Charles Barkley again. "Hey Charles, you're TUUUURRRRIBLE. TUUUUURRRRIBLE. Hank Haney couldn't even fix your golf swing. How about Turner's 6-3 loss to North Dakota State? That've been a real splash at Auburn."

5:03:30 AM: Not again.

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