Tuesday, August 31, 2010

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Today's Topic: Most Annoying People at Tailgates

With the season now only four days away, the following information is best used for informative purposes rather than simple comedy. The new tailgating rules mean that the population of people will be even more condensed, and that means you need to be FULLY aware of your surroundings.

We all know that there are certain people that annoy us during our tailgating experience. Luckily, I have been able to organize these incessant pests into various categories in order to help you identify and eliminate the threat as soon as possible:

Person #1 -- Guys who bring the corn-hole-beanbag-game to a small tailgate area which takes up WAY too much space. We all know these useless tapeworms. They make "loud beer-pong drunk kids" look like saints. One minute you're sipping your cocktail, the next minute a beanbag whizzes across your face, making you spill your drink all over your shorts.

Soultion -- Move your tent/coolers/tables on top or in front of their precious game, forcing them to move. Sure, your not going to make any friends but at least you don't have to worry about being in the line of fire. (Note: another alternative solution is to get a big mean-looking guy to stare them down until they move. I realize however, that this is not always an option)

Person #2 -- Guy who plays music WAY to loudly. We all know these people. Just while your getting into a friendly debate with your buddy, you hear someone blare Corey Smith at 147 decibels. Talk about a headache.

Solution -- Actually pretty easy. Get the best-looking girl in your group to go over an ask VERY nicely if they will turn it down. Only a complete goon will ignore that.


Person #3 -- Guy who talks so loudly he drowns out any other conversation that could be taking place within a quarter-mile radius.
This one is a toughy because most likely, he is actually IN your group. And we all know when an already loud guy starts drinking, the volume level is only going up.

Solution -- Hate to say it but the only solution here is to completely ignore him. I know it's cruel but it simply has to be done. Asking him to tone it down obviously won't work so desperate times call for desperate measures. (Two notes: 1) you could throw "Old Drunk Broad" into this group as well. 2) it might also be possible for him/her to calm down if he drinks TOO much. But then you have to worry about him becoming...)

Person #4 -- Stumbling guy by himself who gets drunk WAY too early in the day.
We all know this guy. While we're having a nice calm, friendly conversation with someone, you see a shirtless, mouth-breathing, zig-zag walking loser who's blowing about a .21...and it's only 10:15 in the morning. You only hope he won't blow chunks in or around your tailgate area.

Solution -- Point to a good-looking girl who is about 50 yards away and say, "Hey dude, that chick told me she likes you...a lot...I'm DEAD serious." He'll fall for it every time. At the very least, try and steer him toward the opposite direction of your tailgate area.

Person #5 -- Cousin to #4, drunk guy/girl who wonders onto your tailgate and DOES puke everywhere. This is very bad. This actually might be the worst. That smell is so hard to drown out. Not only does it smell like vomit but you have to help the person too! Ridiculous.

Soution -- The only solution is to dump cooler water on it and hope it dissolves OR resort to desperate measures...move you ENTIRE tailgate to another area. Needless to say, it is not a good omen to have these people come by before a game.

Now that we know who to avoid, we can be better equipped to handle all adversities on Saturday. Sure, I may have left out a few people ("Random guy who comes by your tailgate and eats 42% of the food", "the aforementioned 'beer pong' kids", "fat girl who isn't wearing enough clothing", "hot girl whose wearing TOO much clothing, "guy who spills his drink on you and acts like he's helping clean it up but it's just annoying", "guy who runs a power generator for the sake of running a power generator", and lest we forget "guy whose wearing a jersey and backwards hat of a random team that's not even playing in the game", but I think I nailed the most important ones.

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