Tuesday, August 3, 2010

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Today's Topic: The Discovery Channel's annual cartilaginous comestibles Shark Week.

If you're American, you love two things- George Washington and anything that resembles a shark. Despite the ferocity and rip-your-face-off-ness of a grizzly bear, they still aren't getting their own week of programming every year. I've seen at least 40 specials on jumping sharks and for some reason I can't turn off yet another special detailing the physics of such a feat. I'm convinced that Major League Baseball could solve a great deal of problems if there were at least three live shark tanks at field level in every game. What better embodies terror than a shiver of sharks? Conjure up a show with a top-ten list of sharks and we're talking Golden Globe territory.

This week can only go down in history as one of the best in recorded history. It just so happens that the most interesting week of television of the year directly coincides with the beginning of UGA fall camp. My head would explode if there were also Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons airing on A & E. In the world of astronomy, I'm thinking this would be comparable to a transit of Venus, which no one living has witnessed. If you can come up with a better first week of August, I will insult the afforementioned grizzly bear's mother.

When Discovery launched the first week of carnage way back in 1987, they were looking to find new ways to attract viewers during the summer lull. They found viewing gold with their various detailed looks into the mysterious lives of sharks. In 1994 they added a new wrinkle, celebrity hosts, and Peter Benchley the author of Jaws obliged with an appearance. Since then Mike Rowe, Heidi Klum, and Craig Ferguson have appeared as well.

If you're still unconvinced of the awe-inspiring spectacle that is Shark Week, consider two things: pool aficianados and Jeff Samardzija. These two parties didn't get their nicknames because sharks like to knit sweaters or watch endless re-runs of "The Housewives of...", they were given the moniker because sharks bite the hell out of stuff and don't ever, ever ask questions later. Have you ever seen a shark that was cordial when they bit the surfer and or boat in to?

Didn't think so.

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" I promise this was just a sneeze. His legs were just hanging there. And that surfer, well I just yawned and he disappeared."

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