Tuesday, August 24, 2010

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With the college football season approaching and the likelihood that you'll be intoxicated in public rising dramatically in the next few months, today's T^4 is a case study on how to defend yourself or escape from those pesky critters called COPS. There are several proven ways to efficiently evade them, but when you're talking style only a college student, and in particular one who plays football, can do it best.

"Thomas refused and instead dropped into a three-point stance like a football player and lunged at the officers, Brewer said. At that point, he said, two officers fired their stun guns." (ESPN)

Current, and now former, Oregon State redshirt freshman Tyler Patrick Thomas had to say of his arrest, "They had to go all buzzkill on me brah... so I gave them the business. Dude, that's how we roll in Montana." If you want people to know you mean business, always, ALWAYS get in a three point stance and charge them in your birthday suit. Do you really think the other party would say, "Hey, he was only joking when he bullrushed me in the buff." No chance.

While this would certainly be an example of how not to escape Johnny Q. Law, let's discuss some of the more commonly accepted practices in elusion:

1. Run and jump in the bushes- preferably some sort of bramble or brier. Classic. Let's face it, no self-respecting donut monger is going to come in there after you. It's also a plus when ladies are asking why you're all scratched and bloodied that you have a sweet story about getting away from the cops.

2. Run and jump in a dumpster. It's a city man's version of #1. When you're Downtown, there is no substitute. If you find yourself at General's or 8E's, you have reached "point obliverous" which will almost certainly necessitate a "Dumpster Jump" or "D-Jump" by the end of the night.

3. Run find a bench, cross your legs, and read the paper. They do this all the time on cartoons, right? It has to work.

4. If you find yourself in a quandry over a moving violation, it's always a good idea to show some skin. I've heard that this does work for some people. One can also surmise that if he or she were to have a donut on hand at all times, they could perceivably distract the officer for long enough to get away as well.

5. If you are driving while intoxicated and also have performed the standard "hit and run" it's always a good idea to signal to the cops that you have effectively eluded them by speeding past them in the right lane with your middle finger extended. This is certainly a milestone in the fabled history of avoiding the five-O.

6. When all else fails and you have been captured, try to use your clout to dissuade the arresting officer from booking you. If you don't have any clout, make something up. Say you're the President, Mayor, Governor, A-Rod (NOT K-Rod! This is important), or Mark Lemke. Whatever you do, do not tell the officer that you are the Athletic Director for the University of Georgia. He won't buy it.

As you can see, I've pretty much covered the handbook on how to not get arrested in case you deserve to be arrested for a minor offense. Should there be any other situation, such as soliciting a prostitute, "slinging dope", or laundering money, these probably won't be as effective. Make notes if you wish, but remember it's NEVER a good idea to be honest or not to run.

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